almost 31 weeks

According to Maternal Fetal Medicine I will be 31 weeks pregnant tomorrow, according to my regular OB I won't be 31 weeks until Wednesday. I am all over the place these days. At one point I will feel positive and confident that I will be able to stay pregnant until at least 35 weeks, the next minute I am having contractions and pressure and can't fathom staying pregnant more than a few more days. My body really is stretched to the limit. I know that there are many other women out there that have carried twins to term I just don't feel like my body wants to...I want it to so much. The thought of having to watch my two daughters struggle in the NICU literally makes me sick to my stomach. I don't know how I would be able to bring myself to leave my two completely helpless little girls in the hospital and go home. I am trying to just lay low and stay laying down, so there is no pressure on my cervix, as much as possible. I will feel like I let my babies down if I cannot carry them until they are healthy enough to come home with me. I'm struggling right now I guess.
I have another doctor appointment on Tuesday that my parents are going to drive me to since I'm not supposed to be driving. Matt will be in the mountains at his Grandfather's funeral. I feel terrible that I cannot go with him for a few reasons. I want to go and pay my respects to Grandpa first and foremost. I also just want to go and be there for Matt, be there for my husband. I know that everyone understands of course, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm not allowed to travel and feel terrible about it.
I'm hoping to get good news at the doctor on Tuesday. I am not sure what they are going to do at the appointment. I will not have any more cervix measurements taken since they don't matter any more now since I'm already dilated. I'm unsure if they are going to check and see if I'm any further dilated, on one hand I would like to know and on the other hand I think things should just be left alone! I don't want to make things worse by having them check. I'll have to just talk to the doctor about it, I really like the doctor that I'm seeing so that makes it better. I think I'll be starting NST's now since I'm already starting to dilate. I'm happy and unhappy about that. It just means that I'll be at the doctor even more now. However I don't have to go back to MFM until Nov 3rd if I make it that long.
The medicine that I'm on makes me so anxious and jittery. It also causes me literally to have severe ADD. I can't focus on anything, even watching TV is a challenge. It's apparently one of the more rare side effects of it but with the dose that I'm taking being so high, the doctor said that he's not surprised. I'm so sick of TV already but I can't focus enough to read or sew. Typing this blog has taken me so long because I keep coming back to it and adding since I cannot concentrate on what I'm doing. I apologize if it's hard to read or doesn't make sense.