time

I hate all of the time I have to just sit and think. It's been 5 whole long weeks of bedrest. Last night I barely slept a half an hour at a time so I had way too much time to think and let my mind wander. I worry about my ultrasound on Monday. Will they both be a good weight? Is one of the babies weight now drastically different than the other? Will there be the dreaded 25% weight difference between them that will force me to have a csection if Baby A is the smaller one? What if my fluid level is too low? I seriously could go on and on for about 3 pages about all of the things that go through my head.
Our ultrasound is at 12:45 on Monday so the morning is going to drag by so slowly. I think we're going to see if my Dad will ride with us and hang out with the kids while we both go to the appointment. The kids can wath a movie in the car and have a snack while we're inside. Hopefully we won't be too long.
Can you tell I get more crazy by the day?

Just bitching

Nothing really to report except for misery! lol I'm so sore, cannot sleep, can hardly get up from sitting or standing and now I'm getting sick. Grace is sick, Evan is sick, Matt is on his way he says, and I'm sneezing up a storm and just feel yucky. I need selfish prayers that I don't get really sick. I'm trying to not think about it since there's nothing I can do about it but my goodness, could there BE a worse time for me to be sick? I'm days away from trying to deliver two babies vaginally and now I'm going to get sick? What kind of cruel joke is that??? My body is already screaming and now this. UGggg.

I know, I know...bitch bitch bitch. I can't help it. I'm miserable and just feel like my breaking point is nearing.

THRILLED!

I had a grrreat doctor's appointment today! My NST was so fast, the girls both cooperated and stayed close enough to the monitors but still have the accelerations that they wanted to see and no decels when I was having a contraction! Then I saw the doctor and everything was fine with the exception of my pulse being sky high but that's because of the medicine that I'm on. I should be off of it on Wednesday of next week, yea!! I had my cervix checked and it hasn't changed!!!! I'm still a 2! She wasn't sure of the effacement since she didn't want to be too 'rough' and stir anything up! But I am beyond happy. I am so excited for my doctor appointment on Monday at Maternal Fetal Medicine for the ultrasound...we'll get to see how big these girls are. The doctor seems to think that they're pretty big judging my how much my belly is growing!! I hope so!
Yea for us! I'm just so happy! Hang in there girls--we just have to make it past next Tuesday morning so that I can make sure I vote!!! lol

GRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :/

Grace and Evan woke up sick today. They both have colds. I'm so frustrated! I cannot be sick. Not right now. For many reasons. First, I'm miserable and uncomfortable ALL the time anyway and cannot sleep so adding being sick to it is just going to make things so much worse. Second, If I end up having these babies in the next few days and am sick, I cannot get two preemies sick. And they won't let anyone with even a cold into the NICU and for good reason. Sooo I won't get to see my babies except through the glass if that should happen. I'm trying not to be overly dramatic about it but it's just hard when all I still have to do is sit/lay in my room and think about things since I am sick of reading, tv stinks, and now don't even have the kids to cuddle with since I want to try to keep my distance from them a little bit even though I think the 'damage' might already be done since I share everything with them and probably already have whatever they have it just hasn't shown up yet.
Uggg...hopefully they'll get over it quickly. Maybe I'll avoid it....who knows.

A little relief

I am relieved today. We made it to 34 weeks. There are some babies that are born at this point that are healthy enough to go home with Mom and Dad right away. The girls have had their steroids for lung development so I am a little relieved. That said, I don't want them to come just yet...but I'm proud of myself none the less. I really really really wish that we had our MFM appointment this week but it's only a week away and hopefully this week will go by quickly. Today we're finishing up preparing our bedroom for the twins. It's going to be a little cramped in here with a full-size crib in here but we think it's the best idea. If we used the co-sleeper we would only be able to use it for a few weeks since the weight limit is 15lbs. There's a chance I still might want it for as long as we can use it just because the girls will be nursing so much in those first few weeks and I'm not looking forward to climbing out of bed every time I need to feed them! It's so nice to just reach over and pull them into bed with me like I did with Grace and Evan.

We are both getting more excited instead of just scared about delivery. We didn't want to go into the hospital for delivery knowing that our girls would be whisked away from us immediately. Now we're nearing a stage that that may not happen. I have to say that it is getting harder to me to stay laying down and sitting still but so far I'm resisting the urge! I'm waiting to see what the doctor tells me on Wednesday morning. I'm praying for a great NST and no further dilation/effacement.

Waiting for Wednesday

I have been feeling as ok as I think that I can right now. I just have the normal back pain, pain when I'm walking, swelling, cramping and stretching in my belly, and other pregnancy discomforts magnified by two!
My contractions are breaking through 3 hours into my medicine now and are much more painful. I can't imagine that I'm not dilated any more.
I have an appointment on Wednesday for another NST and regular OB appointment where I'll have my cervix checked for changes. I'm really nervous about this. I want to keep hanging on to these babies on one hand, and on the other hand I'm nervous about being sent home to "hang on" with further cervical change. I don't want to have these babies at home, in the car or want Matt to miss their births! I hate it that he's 2 hours from the hospital when he's at work! It makes me so nervous!
I'm packing up the rest of my maternity clothes today and tomorrow since none of them fit me. If anyone reading this needs anything I have small, medium and large clothes from Motherhood, Gap, Mimi Maternity and Old Navy. There are some really nice things that I'm going to try to sell since they're like new.

33 week doctor appointment

I'm happy and disappointed at the same time with my appointment today. I'm happy because the NST showed the girls look good and reactive, even though it took us an hour and a half to get good strips on both of them since they were moving all over the place. The disappointment comes because the doctor didn't check my cervix. Now - for those of you that have ever been pregnant and had this done, it's NOT pleasant but I've been having painful contractions and lots of pressure. She said that she didn't want to disturb anything, and I can respect that. I would just like to know if all of this bed rest and having people come do everything that I should be doing is doing any good! My belly is measuring 7 weeks past full term for a single baby. Ugg...I'm enormous. We're having friends over this weekend and I don't even want them to see me because I'm just gigantic! But I'm so looking forward to the company and a fun evening! I did ask the doctor about going out to get my haircut and to a local restaurant and she said it should be fine as long as I "save up" my sitting up time and come back and lay down as soon as possible. Thank goodness! I NEED to leave the house! I get to go get a haircut on Saturday morning, I cannot wait!
I'm in a lot of pain today. The babies are pushing down so hard I'm having trouble finding a half comfy position. I'm just depressed today I guess. I know that I'm doing the best I can for the babies its just getting really hard. It will have been one month since I was first admitted to the hospital this Saturday and I'm just antsy to get on with the next step...labor and delivery...and then on with the rest of our lives with 4 kids!!! The doctor tried to cheer me up by telling me that they won't let me be pregnant past 37 weeks so at the very most I'll only be pregnant for 4 more weeks. Um..not comforting. I want these babies to come naturally anytime between 35 and 37 weeks. Both are still head down so as for this moment I still have the possibility of a vaginal delivery...but you just never know. I'm really looking forward to Nov 3 and my next appointment at MFM so I can see how big these kids are. I'm really hoping to fast forward time by two weeks.....If anyone can help with that -- please do.

Don't I wish!! :)

I saw this first cartoon and thought, OMG - I wish that was possible, just for a little bit. I need a comfortable hour of sleep!!! That's all I ask, one hour of real rest. lol. I'm again anxious for my doctor appointment tomorrow and NST. I don't know if I will be checked for cervical change or not, on one hand I hope so, on the other I hope not.

Last night I thought was 'the' night. I was contracting sooo much, it just wouldn't let up but after a lot of water, laying down and finally a warm shower they calmed down a little bit but I was a bit worried! Not yet ladies...stay put at least until next week!

I am totally "nesting" now and it's KILLING me!! I want so much to just go around and clean anything and everything! I want to wash baby clothes and organize everything but can't!! I don't even have my hospital bag packed. I just ordered our new camera yesterday and need it to come before the babies do since our old camera only works part of the time! I'm still a little in denial I think that these kids can come at any second. Literally. I pray I make it to the hospital when they decide it's time!

trying so hard

I have been following the progress of twins that were born at 32 weeks and it has given me a little extra drive to stay pregnant until 36 weeks. The babies are adorable but it breaks my heart to read her blog and hear her talk about how she sobs every time she has to leave the babies in the hospital and go home without them. I really feel like that would break me. I don't know how she's doing it. I really don't. I had another visit to the hospital yesterday...I don't have the energy to get into right now but everything turned out well after a big scare and yet more drugs and a shot.
I will be 33 weeks this coming week. Only 3 more weeks. I can do it. I pray I can.

stressed

The stress of everything is really getting to me. I'm feeling depressed and just stressed to my limit. I know that it's not good for me or the babies so I'm trying to keep myself occupied and not think about things too much. There is part of me that feels like it would be better for these girls to be on the outside. I hate taking medication while I'm pregnant and I'm on a ton. I take a heavy dose of brethine/terbutaline for contractions, macrobid for yet another UTI thanks to my bladder being smushed into several different pockets, I was on procardia, tums for reflux and some calcium, and something else that I can't even think of right now. Oh - and steriod shots to help their lung development since they might be born early. Now I can't shake the uneasy feeling of something being wrong with one or both of the girls because of the NST yesterday. It scared me so much. What if something happens to one of them? Or both of them? What if there were warning signs that I didn't see? It's so hard to do the kick counts because I can't really be sure which baby is which when they're moving. Both of their feet kind of meet in the top of my stomach so it's hard to tell which kiddo is which. Can you tell that bedrest is making me crazy??!! Too much time to think added to the fact that the brethine makes me anxious. I feel like I'm losing it. Uggg....now all of the blog readers are going to think I'm going crazy. I probably am.

7 hour doctor appointment

I went to my regular scheduled doctor appointment yesterday for my NST and check-up. The girls were all over the place so we spent a long time trying to get good strips on the girls heart rates on the NST. We finally got a good 20 minute strip and I thought everything was going ok. Then the doctor visit told me otherwise. Baby B, Leah, was having variables or dips in her heart rate so I needed to be kept for 4 hours in L&D to monitor her heart rate. Then the doctor did another ffn test and checked on my dilation. I'm not much more dilated, I was 1-2 before and I'm just about 2 now however I'm much more thinned out, about 80%. I'm so scared. I went to L&D and Leah's heart rate looked ok, then Madeline was having dips in her heart rate when I would contract. I was contracting about every 12 minutes or so. I was finally about to go home when they were satisfied with the girls on the NST and when they got the results of the ffn test as negative. That's pretty much the only positive things that came out of yesterday, the negative ffn test. It says that I "shouldn't" go into labor in the next 2 weeks. But when I asked the dr about it he said that at this point I should be more concerned with my water breaking from pressure and a thin cervix not supporting it well....I'm just scared. It's still way too early for these girls to come. So I'm home again on strict bed rest, 5 minute showers and lay ALL day so there isn't any pressure on my cervix. Debbi and Rob were supposed to come down this weekend to help with the kids but Debbi is sick so they won't be down. I don't know what we're going to do now. I have never been so upset, scared and stressed. Most of the stress comes from trying to coordinate childcare for the kids with Matt's schedule at work. He cannot take any more time off so that's not even an option. I don't know. I just don't know.

Twin Baby Belly!

32 week twin baby belly...I really can't believe that I posted the one that shows the glorious stretch marks but hey...I guess I'll try to take the attitude of "I earned them"...what else can I do?

anxious

I have another NST and doctor appointment tomorrow afternoon. I'm scared and anxious as usual. I'll be 32 weeks (according to this doctor's office) tomorrow. It's the first milestone they wanted me to hit so that is one good thing. However, I know someone (well, I know them online since she lives in Alabama) that just had her twin boys two nights ago at 32 weeks 4 days and they are in the NICU hooked up to all sorts of breathing machines, feeding tubes and other various wires. That scares the living crap out of me.

I've been having contractions last night and today. Probably b/c I overdid it the last two days with being home alone with the kids during the day while Matt finished up night shift. Today I'm just trying to gauge how bad the contractions are, am I dehydrated...they seem to have slowed this afternoon but I'm afraid that I'm dilated/thinned out more. I'm going to ask to get a FFN test tomorrow.

pregnant and b*tchy

I hate Jon and Kate plus 8. If I hear one more person say, "Just be thankful that you're not like them." I'm going to scream. Yes, we are going to have half the children that they do. However...we will not have people coming over to do EVERYTHING for us and with us. They have a chef now, someone to fold their laundry, watch their kids while Kate grocery shops, they take at least 4 helpers on vacation with them. Don't even get me started on all of the free things that they have been given...Kate's tummy tuck, Jon's hair plugs, outings to Gymboree and Hands on House where they close the entire place except for their kids....Literally, I cannot go anywhere without someone mentioning them, especially when I'm at the hospital/doctors office. The other frustrating thing is that they did IVF. That means that to get all 6 kids at once they would have implanted at least 6 embryos in hopes that one took...however that also means that they KNEW before they did it that ALL of them could have implanted and they would end up in the position that they are in.
I know...why do I care, it just gets old hearing the same thing over and over and over again whenever people hear about how many kids we're going to have and what their ages are. It's probably just my hormones. lol...

B*tching, Just can't help it anymore

I don't know where to begin. I'm awful uncomfortable. I have hit another weight "milestone" and it sucks. I feel like such a fat cow it's terrible. Since I've gone on bed rest on the 27th of Sept I have started swelling so much. It shows everywhere. I have cankles now...and wiener toes as I like to call them since they look like cocktail wieners. My face is puffy and so are my eyes most of the time. The fake wedding set I have (I bought it when mine no longer fit) is too small most days and it's 2 sizes bigger than my real wedding set. My back is in a constant knot, my belly is sagging now with the weight of the girls, and two placentas and fluid in there. Total the babies now weigh over 8lbs. My belly is stretched so tight that the itching is almost unbearable and no amount of lotion helps. Also, the dreaded stretch marks are making their appearance...UGGG. Hopefully they will fade to almost nothing after I get back to my normal weight, which I WILL do!! ;) My medicine is still giving me ADD and the shakes.
Ok -- I think I'm done b*tching.
Now on to my doctor appointments yesterday and today. Yesterday I left my appointment feeling good. The doctor was encouraging and optimistic. She obviously didn't give me any guarantees but basically said that as long as I follow the rules of bed rest and take my medicine, stay hydrated, and be aware of my body for early early early signs of impending labor...that she doesn't see any reason as of now that I wouldn't be able to carry these kiddos to at least 34 weeks if not 36/37 weeks. That made me feel so good. Now on to today's NST and dr appt...The NST went really well. The babies were cooperative and I only had to sit there for 40 minutes with the three monitors on my belly. The babies looked AWESOME. I am so thankful for that. I will have NST's every Wednesday now until I deliver. Then I went to see the doctor for her to review the NST with me. Now, don't get me wrong, I like this doctor. She is very nice and always answers my questions. And she is compassionate which is more than I can say for some of the other doctors at this practice, well -- one in particular. However, she totally and completely burst my optimistic bubble today. I don't want anyone lying to me about the status of the babies and of me and my body holding up but geez. Today she said with me being dilated to 1-2cm and having a very short/soft cervix that she said I would be lucky to make it to 33/34 weeks judging by my history. I almost started crying right then but didn't. She went on to say that in the week between my hospital admissions, the changes I had to my cervix were 'dramatic' enough to point to me having no more than a month left before my body gives in. A month from the first time I was in the hospital is 2 days before I hit 34 weeks.
I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to prepare for the babies to come. It's just hard. I don't want them to spend time in the NICU. I don't want them to struggle. I don't want to leave my two tiny girls alone in the hospital and go home. The only good things are that I have the steroids on board and that girls lungs tend to mature faster than boys lungs. I've been praying more than I have ever done in my life...if you're the praying type, please pray that I can hang on to these kids for another 4 weeks which would take us to 35 weeks.

almost 31 weeks

According to Maternal Fetal Medicine I will be 31 weeks pregnant tomorrow, according to my regular OB I won't be 31 weeks until Wednesday. I am all over the place these days. At one point I will feel positive and confident that I will be able to stay pregnant until at least 35 weeks, the next minute I am having contractions and pressure and can't fathom staying pregnant more than a few more days. My body really is stretched to the limit. I know that there are many other women out there that have carried twins to term I just don't feel like my body wants to...I want it to so much. The thought of having to watch my two daughters struggle in the NICU literally makes me sick to my stomach. I don't know how I would be able to bring myself to leave my two completely helpless little girls in the hospital and go home. I am trying to just lay low and stay laying down, so there is no pressure on my cervix, as much as possible. I will feel like I let my babies down if I cannot carry them until they are healthy enough to come home with me. I'm struggling right now I guess.
I have another doctor appointment on Tuesday that my parents are going to drive me to since I'm not supposed to be driving. Matt will be in the mountains at his Grandfather's funeral. I feel terrible that I cannot go with him for a few reasons. I want to go and pay my respects to Grandpa first and foremost. I also just want to go and be there for Matt, be there for my husband. I know that everyone understands of course, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm not allowed to travel and feel terrible about it.
I'm hoping to get good news at the doctor on Tuesday. I am not sure what they are going to do at the appointment. I will not have any more cervix measurements taken since they don't matter any more now since I'm already dilated. I'm unsure if they are going to check and see if I'm any further dilated, on one hand I would like to know and on the other hand I think things should just be left alone! I don't want to make things worse by having them check. I'll have to just talk to the doctor about it, I really like the doctor that I'm seeing so that makes it better. I think I'll be starting NST's now since I'm already starting to dilate. I'm happy and unhappy about that. It just means that I'll be at the doctor even more now. However I don't have to go back to MFM until Nov 3rd if I make it that long.
The medicine that I'm on makes me so anxious and jittery. It also causes me literally to have severe ADD. I can't focus on anything, even watching TV is a challenge. It's apparently one of the more rare side effects of it but with the dose that I'm taking being so high, the doctor said that he's not surprised. I'm so sick of TV already but I can't focus enough to read or sew. Typing this blog has taken me so long because I keep coming back to it and adding since I cannot concentrate on what I'm doing. I apologize if it's hard to read or doesn't make sense.

quick update

I was back in the hospital today for contractions. I am now 1-2cm dilated and my cervix is 2cm so slightly shorter than Monday when I left the hospital. I had a growth scan for the babies and they are weighing in at 3 lbs 10oz and 3lbs 12oz so they're growing very well. I'm still hopeful that we don't end up having these babies until i'm at least 34 weeks which is the last week in October. They are still confident in the ffn test they did last saturday which was negative...that's the test that tells if you're going to go into labor in the next two weeks or not and is pretty accurate so I'm happy about that. I have much more to say about the series of events today however, I'm so darn sick from this medicine I can't focus.
Keep praying everyone....I am still really scared to have these babies too early.